Happy Birthday to Me

Losing a child thrusts a mother, first towards death as she slowly dies with her child; and next into re-birth as she re-joins the living; woman, soul, spirit forever changed and anew.

As one emerges from the soils of sorrow, and begins crawling back to the surface of the Here, everything is new and 'for the first time.'

Every color, every breeze, every sunset; all brilliantly seen through virgin lens.

The exciting feelings of celebratory days and holidays; the angst of Monday mornings, the sweet relief of Friday afternoons. A mother tip toes through each and every crevasse of her existence with wondering eyes, a cautious heart, and a weary soul. Her grief, her lost child, now always in tow.

The first days, months, and years after my 14 year old son died I sought solace amongst other bereaved mums. Actively engaging with a support group of other women, the only other women that could relate to this new dimension I now existed, was crucial to my survival and well being in those early days.

The first months and years after losing a child, you never really know what days, which holidays, whose birthday, etc. will affect you nor how. Over time, you get your 'sea legs' about you and develop skills to navigate and prepare for the forever waves and storms of grief.

My first birthday past my 14 year old son dying, I turned 39. I posted to my grieving mothers group on that day ...

... Hi there, Moms. Today is my birthday; today I turn 39 years old.

It is the first birthday without my 14 year old son, Sawyer; he was killed in an off-road vehicle crash April 3rd, 2021.

The vehicle caught fire and they were unable to get him out.

He is my Phoenix Flying, my Desert Flower.

This birthday is a bitter-sweet one for me. I love my birthday (I am a Leo, I love celebrating me!) and yet, of course, my Sawyer is always right there at the front, the back, the every part of my mind.

On this day, however, I am reminded of the many blessings I indeed have in my life. I am a mixed bag of emotions today (and everyday) - an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the many blessings in my life, contrasted and dancing with the heaviness of such tragic grief and loss.

I am so thankful to all the brave bereaved moms out there; I commend and salute you all, for we are the bravest and strongest of them all. Thank you all for your willingness to come together, as bereaved Mothers, to be broken together. I am so sorry we are all here.

I see you, moms.

I see your eyes,

I share your your tears,

I lay awake at night with you all.

I grieve with you.

**this picture was taken within hours before Sawyer died. Within hours of his leaving this world by flame of the phoenix; spreading his wings, leaving only legend and ashes behind. In that vehicle, wearing those clothes, on that morning in the desert. Those eyes in the backseat are the windows to my soul. Sojourn well, sweet Son.